ALICE'S
ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND
Lewis Carroll
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CHAPTER XI
- Who
Stole the Tarts?
- The
King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when
they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about
them--all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as
the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before
them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard
him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a
trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the
other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with
a large dish of tarts upon it: they looked so good, that
it made Alice quite hungry to look at them--`I wish
they'd get the trial done,' she thought, `and hand round
the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of
this, so she began looking at everything about her, to
pass away the time.
- Alice
had never been in a court of justice before, but she had
read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to
find that she knew the name of nearly everything there.
`That's the judge,' she said to herself, `because of his
great wig.'
- The
judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown
over the wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to
see how he did it,) he did not look at all comfortable,
and it was certainly not becoming.
- `And
that's the jury-box,' thought Alice, `and those twelve
creatures,' (she was obliged to say `creatures,' you see,
because some of them were animals, and some were birds,)
`I suppose they are the jurors.' She said this last word
two or three times over to herself, being rather proud of
it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few
little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all.
However, `jury-men' would have done just as well.
- The
twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates.
`What are they doing?' Alice whispered to the Gryphon.
`They can't have anything to put down yet, before the
trial's begun.'
- `They're
putting down their names,' the Gryphon whispered in
reply, `for fear they should forget them before the end
of the trial.'
- `Stupid
things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she
stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, `Silence
in the court!' and the King put on his spectacles and
looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.
- Alice
could see, as well as if she were looking over their
shoulders, that all the jurors were writing down `stupid
things!' on their slates, and she could even make out
that one of them didn't know how to spell `stupid,' and
that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. `A nice
muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!'
thought Alice.
- One of
the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course,
Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and
got behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of
taking it away. She did it so quickly that the poor
little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not make out
at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about
for it, he was obliged to write with one finger for the
rest of the day; and this was of very little use, as it
left no mark on the slate.
- `Herald,
read the accusation!' said the King.
- On this
the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and
then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as
follows:--
- `The
Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer
day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took
them quite away!'
- `Consider
your verdict,' the King said to the jury.
- `Not
yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily interrupted. `There's a
great deal to come before that!'
- `Call
the first witness,' said the King; and the White Rabbit
blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, `First
witness!'
- The
first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in
one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. `I
beg pardon, your Majesty,' he began, `for bringing these
in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent
for.'
- `You
ought to have finished,' said the King. `When did you
begin?'
- The
Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him
into the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. `Fourteenth
of March, I think it was,' he said.
- `Fifteenth,'
said the March Hare.
- `Sixteenth,'
added the Dormouse.
- `Write
that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury
eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and
then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings
and pence.
- `Take
off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.
- `It
isn't mine,' said the Hatter.
- `Stolen!'
the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly
made a memorandum of the fact.
- `I keep
them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation; `I've
none of my own. I'm a hatter.'
- Here
the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the
Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.
- `Give
your evidence,' said the King; `and don't be nervous, or
I'll have you executed on the spot.'
- This
did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept
shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at
the Queen, and in his confusion he bit a large piece out
of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.
- Just at
this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which
puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was:
she was beginning to grow larger again, and she thought
at first she would get up and leave the court; but on
second thoughts she decided to remain where she was as
long as there was room for her.
- `I wish
you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the Dormouse, who was
sitting next to her. `I can hardly breathe.'
- `I
can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: `I'm growing.'
- `You've
no right to grow here,' said the Dormouse.
- `Don't
talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: `you know you're
growing too.'
- `Yes,
but I grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse: `not
in that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkily
and crossed over to the other side of the court.
- All
this time the Queen had never left off staring at the
Hatter, and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she
said to one of the officers of the court, `Bring me the
list of the singers in the last concert!' on which the
wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook both his shoes
off.
- `Give
your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, `or I'll have
you executed, whether you're nervous or not.'
- `I'm a
poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling
voice, `--and I hadn't begun my tea--not above a week or
so--and what with the bread-and-butter getting so
thin--and the twinkling of the tea--'
- `The
twinkling of the what?' said the King.
- `It
began with the tea,' the Hatter replied.
- `Of
course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply.
`Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!'
- `I'm a
poor man,' the Hatter went on, `and most things twinkled
after that--only the March Hare said--'
- `I
didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.
- `You
did!' said the Hatter.
- `I deny
it!' said the March Hare.
- `He
denies it,' said the King: `leave out that part.'
- `Well,
at any rate, the Dormouse said--' the Hatter went on,
looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too:
but the Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.
- `After
that,' continued the Hatter, `I cut some more bread-
and-butter--'
- `But
what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.
- `That I
can't remember,' said the Hatter.
- `You
MUST remember,' remarked the King, `or I'll have you
executed.'
- The
miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter,
and went down on one knee. `I'm a poor man, your
Majesty,' he began.
- `You're
a very poor speaker,' said the King.
- Here
one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately
suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is
rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was
done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the
mouth with strings: into this they slipped the
guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.)
- `I'm
glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. `I've so often
read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There
was some attempts at applause, which was immediately
suppressed by the officers of the court," and I
never understood what it meant till now.'
- `If
that's all you know about it, you may stand down,'
continued the King.
- `I
can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: `I'm on the floor,
as it is.'
- `Then
you may SIT down,' the King replied.
- Here
the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.
- `Come,
that finished the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. `Now we
shall get on better.'
- `I'd
rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxious
look at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.
- `You
may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the
court, without even waiting to put his shoes on.
- `--and
just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to one
of the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before
the officer could get to the door.
- `Call
the next witness!' said the King.
- The
next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the
pepper-box in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was,
even before she got into the court, by the way the people
near the door began sneezing all at once.
- `Give
your evidence,' said the King.
- `Shan't,'
said the cook.
- The
King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a
low voice, `Your Majesty must cross-examine THIS
witness.'
- `Well,
if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholy air,
and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till
his eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep
voice, `What are tarts made of?'
- `Pepper,
mostly,' said the cook.
- `Treacle,'
said a sleepy voice behind her.
- `Collar
that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. `Behead that
Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him!
Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!'
- For
some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting
the Dormouse turned out, and, by the time they had
settled down again, the cook had disappeared.
- `Never
mind!' said the King, with an air of great relief. `Call
the next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the
Queen, `Really, my dear, YOU must cross-examine the next
witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!'
- Alice
watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list,
feeling very curious to see what the next witness would
be like, `--for they haven't got much evidence YET,' she
said to herself. Imagine her surprise, when the White
Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill little voice,
the name `Alice!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Chapter
XII
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